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Now the Philistines gathered together their armies for war at Shochoh, which belonged to Judah, and pitched their camp between Azekah and Shochoh, in Ephesdammim.
2 And Saul and the men of Israel gathered together and pitched their camp by the valley of Elah, and set the battle in array against the Philistines.
3 And the Philistines stood on a mountain on the one side, and the Israelites stood on a mountain on the other side, and there was a valley between them.
4 And there went out a champion out of the camp of the Philistines, named Goliath, of Gath, whose height was six cubits and a span.
5 And he had a helmet of brass upon his head and was armed with a coat of mail that weighed five thousand shekels of brass.
6 And he had greaves of brass upon his legs and a target of brass between his shoulders.
7 And the staff of his spear was like a weaver’s beam, and his spear’s head weighed six hundred shekels of iron, and one bearing a shield went before him.
8 And the Philistine stood and roared at the armies of Israel and said unto them, Why doth ye seteth your battle in array? Ameth not I a Philistine, and ye servants to Saul? Chooseth ye a man, and let him cometh down to me.
9 And if he fighteth with me and killeth me, then we willeth be your servants; but if I prevaileth against him and killeth him, then ye shalleth be our servants and serveth us.
10 And the Philistine said unto the armies of Israel, I defyeth thou to giveth me a man, that we may fighteth together. I giveth ye XL days to selecteth your man.
11 And the Philistine released a mighty roar that filled the armies of Israel with fear and their loincloths with shite.
12 When Saul heard those words of the Philistine, he was dismayed and greatly afraid and said unto himself, What to doth? What to doth?
13 And so it came to pass that each morning as the sun struck nine, the Philistine roared and said unto the armies of Israel, Have thou choseneth a man? If so, let him cometh forward to me, so I can ripeth his Ecclesiastes off …
14 And the men of Israel grasped their loins as one.
15 And the Philistine said unto the armies of Israel, And rameth them down his Job …
16 And the men of Israel gagged in their throats as one.
17 And the Philistine said unto the armies of Israel, And then teareth his Hosea off …
18 And the men of Israel gripped their necks as one.
19 And the Philistine said unto the armies of Israel, And shoveth it up his Leviticus!
20 And the men of Israel clenched their buttocks as one.
21 And each day, all day, Saul did fret and sweat and binge-eat and chew his nails and earnestly pray for the Lord to send the armies of Israel a saviour.
22 And each night, all night, Saul did toss and turn and binge-drink and bite his nails and vehemently curse the Lord for forsaking the armies of Israel in their time of greatest need.
23 But at dawn on the XLth morning, Saul cast his bleary and buggered eyes in forlorn hope towards the horizon, and the Lord’s light rose in the east and presented the armies of Israel with a saviour.
24 For upon the armies of Israel came a man; no, not a man but a boy; no, neither man nor boy, but a man-boy; he who had forsaken his life as a shepherd to serve his king.
25 And so it came to pass that the unarmed, unarmoured man-boy—with a jaunt in his step, a whistle upon his lips and a leather pouch slung across his chest—wove his way past the armies of Israel until he stood before a bewildered Saul and said unto the king, G’day, mate. I’m here for your six o’clock appointment.
26 And Saul said unto the man-boy, What appointment? Who areth thou?
27 And the man-boy said unto Saul, I am David, son of that Ephrathite of Bethlehemjudah, whose name is Jesse and who is a servant to you, Saul, King of the Israelites. I am here for your file, buff and polish. I am your manicurist.
28 And Saul said unto David, What, a manicurist? But I orderedeth a saviour!
29 And David said unto Saul, Sorry, you’re out of luck. That line is temporarily out of stock, what with the plague and all, so I was sent as your next best option. Actually, I’m your only option. The last “saviour” on the shelf, so to speak. Those pandemics sure play havoc with supply chains. And one’s nails.
30 And Saul’s eyes drained of hope, and he said unto David, You? The next best option? But how caneth you, a man-child, slayeth the Philistine? You haveth neither armour nor weapon.
31 And David said unto Saul, I’m sure something will come to hand when the time arrives. And hey, look on the bright side. Things could be a lot worse.
32 And Saul said unto David, Worse? How?
33 And David said unto Saul, My mother wanted me to be a florist.
34 And the shoulders of the king slumped and the lips of the king cursed and the fist of the king shook towards the heavens, and Saul said unto God, My Lord! My Lord! Why haveth thou forsakeneth us?
35 And so it came to pass that the fingernails of Saul and his men were soon filed, buffed and polished, and the armies of Israel took solace that at least they had manicures to die for.
36 And so struck the ninth hour of the XLth morning since Goliath, of Gath, issued his challenge, and Saul ordered his men to form a single line the length of the great valley, thus to intimidate the Philistine.
37 And David—with a jaunt in his step, a whistle upon his lips and a leather pouch slung across his chest—moved along that line and offered a free cuticle pushback to he who was chosen to confront and vanquish the Philistine.
38 And the Philistine stepped forward and roared and said unto the armies of Israel, Showtime, you prepuceless pricks! Come, revealeth your man, and let me ripeth his Ecclesiastes off …
39 And the men of Israel, all except David, grasped their loins.
40 And the Philistine said unto the armies of Israel, And rameth them down his Job …
41 And the men of Israel, all except David, gagged in their throats.
42 And the Philistine said unto the armies of Israel, And then teareth his Hosea off …
43 And the men of Israel, all except David, gripped their necks.
44 And the Philistine said unto the armies of Israel, And shoveth it up his Leviticus!
45 And the men of Israel, all except David, clenched their buttocks but, alas, shite themselves exceedingly.
46 And Saul said unto the armies of Israel, Come, who among you shalleth volunteer?
47 And the men of Israel, all except David, fixed their eyes upon the dust before their feet.
48 And Saul said unto the armies of Israel, Iseth there not one amongst you who seeketh scriptural fame and glory?
49 And the eyes of the men of Israel, all except David’s, avoided contact with the king’s desperate gaze.
50 And Saul said unto the men of Israel, He who among you volunteers shall receiveth a ration of Heavenly manna; come, let that man stepeth forward and serveth his king.
51 And the mouths of the men of Israel, all except David’s, salivated, and they all took a single step … backwards. And David stood alone between the Israelites and the Philistine.
52 And Saul said unto David, Cometh the hour, cometh the manicurist! Thank you, David, and good luck. You areth going to needeth it.
53 And David said unto Saul, Sure, my pleasure. I have half an hour to kill before my next appointment.
54 And so it came to pass that David—with a jaunt in his step, a whistle upon his lips and his pouch slung across his chest—made his way towards the Philistine and stood in his shadow and said unto him, G’day, mate.
55 And the man-boy peeked under the hemline of the Philistine’s coat of mail and confirmed the Philistine was indeed of the uncircumcised.
56 And the Philistine said unto David, Who the fucketh areth thou?
57 And David said unto the Philistine, Howdy, big fella, I’m Dave, son of that Ephrathite of Bethlehemjudah, whose name is Jesse and who is a servant to Saul, King of the Israelites. I’m here for your nine-fifteen appointment. I hear you have one hell of a wick on your index finger; hence, your temper. How about we start with a full manicure? All that ripping and ramming and tearing and shoving seems to have left your nails in a frightful mess.
58 And the Philistine roared and shook his clenched fist and said unto David, I’m gonna ripeth your Ecclesiastes off …
59 And David said unto the Philistine, So, not a manicure, then? How about a complimentary pedicure? Those toes of yours look like they’ve been kicking arse for aeons.
60 And the Philistine roared and shook his clenched fist and said unto David, And rameth them down your—
61 And David interrupted the Philistine and said unto him, Yes, yes, I get the picture, ever so eloquently described by you. I get it. Your modus operandi; indeed, your raison d’être. But before we begin and things get messy, might I suggest we pause to draft our articles of war; you know, agree on our rules of engagement. Say, do you have any objection to abiding by the rules of Queensberry?
62 And David raised his dukes and shadow-boxed before the Philistine.
63 And the Philistine roared and unleashed invective.
64 And David said unto the Philistine, OK, OK, no need to lose your Maccabees over it. I agree: no rules. They’re just so passé, so Deuteronomy. Hey, while you’re standing there with your mouth agape and breathing out fire and brimstone, might I suggest a sprig of mint for that halitosis of yours?
65 And the Philistine roared and unleashed invective.
66 And David sighed and sat upon a nearby boulder, crossed his legs and removed an emery board from his pouch, and as he shaped and smoothed his nail, he said unto the Philistine, Look, champ, you should quit while you’re ahead. The odds are stacked against you. Even if you grease someone’s Psalms, you’ll never win. Who wants to read about a giant slaying a man-boy? The faithful always root for the underdog, an against-the-odds victor. Besides, we’re talking scripture here. Word of God stuff. A contest of biblical proportions to be immortalised in the Chronicles of the king’s PR rep, Samuel. Not some ill-worded sports report that garners a few digits of space in tomorrow’s papyrus before ending up wrapped around that night’s discarded loaves and fishes. And I bet your prepuce I get top billing. None of that Goliath and David nonsense. It’ll be David and Goliath. And I might as well tell you I’ve got a lot riding on winning today. Rumour has it—and I’d appreciate you keeping it a secret between us and not shouting out to all and sundry within this valley of death—that God has booked me for a Kings’ promotion. King David. Has a nice ring to it, don’t you agree?
67 And the Philistine roared and said unto David, I’m gonna ripeth your—
68 And David said unto the Philistine, Yes, yes, you’ve made that abundantly clear. But before you dismember my man-boyhood, might I suggest we resolve our differences in a more civilised manner. You know, use our brains rather than our brawn. I’m sure that behind that pronounced forehead of yours, there exists the Genesis of a profound intellect.
69 And the Philistine roared and unleashed invective.
70 And David said unto the Philistine, So, I’ll take those Lamentations of yours as a no, then. Say, how about a riddle? Yes? How about I ask you a riddle, and if you can guess the answer correctly, I’ll let you win, and you can ripeth and rameth and teareth and shoveth to your heart’s content? Have we got a deal?
71 And the Philistine ceased roaring and invecting and said unto David, Deal!
72 And David said unto the Philistine, Here is my riddle:
Five hundred starts it, five hundred ends it,
Five in the middle is seen;
First of all letters, the first of all figures,
Fill the positions in between.
Join all together, and then you will bring
Before you the name of a soon-to-be king.
73 And David danced a merry jig upon the boulder and pointed at his head of curls with his index fingers and mouthed, Pick moi! Pick moi!
74 And the Philistine ummed and scratched his head and ummed and frowned his pronounced forehead and ummed and watered his eyes and ummed and reddened his face until he said unto David, I doth not know! I doth not know! And I doth not care! It iseth a stupid game. Better for me to ripeth your—
75 And David said unto the Philistine, OK, OK, settle down, big man. Numbers not your forte, eh? The answer is DAVID, by the way.
76 And the Philistine said unto David, Fight! Now!
77 And David rose and stood before the Philistine, who raised his spear and pointed it at David.
78 And David said unto the Philistine, Hey, you could at least give me a fighting chance. That spear in your hand certainly seems excessive; indeed, aeons down the track, when Judges deliberate on our famous duel, I suspect they’ll adjudicate that you were over-compensating for your other shortcomings.
79 And David raised his left hand and wiggled his littlest finger.
80 And the Philistine roared and unleashed invective.
81 And David said unto the Philistine, Say, how about we even the odds a little? Would you be interested in engaging in a battle of Rochambeau; you know, a fight to the death?
82 And the Philistine roared and said unto David, Yes! Yes! Fight! Fight! Death! Death!
83 And David said unto the Philistine, That’s the spirit! And, for fairness’ sake, let us draw our weapons from my pouch, for within are three objects. And let it be a blind selection, and then we shall each hide our choice behind our back until, upon the count of three, we reveal them and fight to the death. Agree?
84 And the Philistine roared and said unto David, Yes! Yes! Gimme! Gimme! Fight! Fight! Death! Death!
85 And the Philistine reached his hand into the pouch and rummaged about until, with a sinister smile, he grasped and withdrew his selected weapon and hid it behind his back.
86 And David reached his hand into the pouch and brushed past his cleaning papyrus and feigned rummaging about until, with a deadpan face, he withdrew the other object and hid it behind his back.
87 And David said unto the Philistine, Remember, at the count of three, we reveal our weapons and fight to the death.
88 And the Philistine roared and said unto David, Geteth on with it! Stopeth stalling!
89 And David counted one.
90 And the Philistine roared and champed at the bit and shook his free fist at David.
91 And David counted two.
92 And the Philistine roared and pounded his chest with his free fist and then shook it at David.
93 And David counted three.
94 And the Philistine roared and removed his clenched fist from behind his back and revealed his weapon and surged forward, with a murderous intent on his face and a pair of cuticle scissors in his hand.
95 And David revealed a pumice stone from behind his back and took thence that rock and slang it and smote the Philistine in his forehead, that the rock sunk into his forehead; and the Philistine fell upon his face to the earth.
96 So David prevailed over the Philistine with a slung rock and smote the Philistine and slew him.
97 And when the Philistines saw their champion dead, they fled in Exodus, chased by the armies of Israel, who wielded swords and spears in their well-manicured hands.
98 And David stood upon the Philistine and grasped his sword and drew it from its sheath thereof and cut off his head therewith.
99 And David, son of that Ephrathite of Bethlehemjudah, whose name is Jesse and who is a servant to Saul, King of the Israelites, looked down upon the vanquished Philistine and said onto him, Woe unto thee, Goliath, of Gath, for everyone knows that when playing Rock Paper Scissors, rock always beats scissors.
This is The Word of the Lord.
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